Story of my life, episode one

I was born on a cold and dismal morning.  The first thing I saw was some weird guy with a mask on.  I thought to myself, "weird.  I don't like you.  I think I'll cry."  And so I did, lusty and clear.  For some reason that made the rest of the people in the room smile.  "Hello?!  I'm unhappy here.  Your job is to tend to my every need.  i'm cold, I don't like that person, and now I don't like this other person who is rubbing me down all over, and I'm doing this weird thing in my chest, feeling something going in and out whether I like it or not and who said I was up for this stuff anyway?  I was perfectly fine in there.  Can't I go back?"  Apparently they aren't listening to a word I'm saying. 

"I want my lawyer! I'll sue the pants off every one of you!"  Then, horrors, they take my feet (at least I think that's what they're called, never paid much attention before to them) and stick them on this black stuff, then on a piece of paper that leaves a copy of the bottom of my foot and I realize they're trying to get my prints so they can steal my identity!!!  "What is it with you people?!  Where is your honor?"  If I could have gotten my fists to work, I woulda popped 'em a good one.  They must have anticipated that and given me some kinda inhibitor drug.  "When this wears off, oh, you just wait!"

Don't forget I'm still naked as of this point, in a room full of people!  No decency left in these depraved souls.  What is the world coming to? And as if that wasn't enough to do to me, they put me on a scale!!  And read the weight to the whole room!  And someone wrote it down!!  "People!  Don't you realize you don't do that to a woman?!  How insensitive!"

I hesitate to tell you the next depravity.  It's almost too horrible to put in black and white, a permanent scar on my memory.  But it must be told.  They.  Took.  A.  Thermometer.  And.  Stuck.  It.  Up.  My. Nether-regions!  Words fail me.  I was so speechless that I just stared at them all for the devils they were.

At least after that they stuck me in a blanket.  That's the least they could have done.  The very least.  I coulda used some underwear.  A nice sundress.  Anything.  It was warmer though, and I was starting to think that maybe they weren't all bad.  Perhaps they were all indentured servants, forced to do the masked man's bidding throughout eternity.  I could cut them some small slack.  However, I was still considering holding a grudge, depending on what they did next.

Well, let me tell you EXACTLY what they did next.  They picked me up bodily (without a by-your-leave!) and plunked me down on top of this other lady!  I promptly said to her, "Excuse me, but you know it's all their fault.  If they hadn't drugged me, I'd get right off you but if you don't mind, I'll stay here for a little while longer since it's nice in your arms and they don't seem ready to do anything else to me just yet, and hey you have nice eyes and... what's that you say?  Well, hello to you too.  You sound kinda familiar, do I know you?  What?  You're my mom?  Wow, now that I think about it, I always wanted a mom!  Nice to meet you!  I want to ask you so many things, but um, did you see that guy leaning over and getting into our conversation?  If you can, tell him to go away so we can talk more in private.  He's what?  He's my dad?  Well, never thought about it, but I guess a dad could be a good thing to have.  He can teach me all kinds of things, like how to make a joke, get a job, avoid the bad boys, and so much more.  Yeah, all right, he can stay too.  But the rest of these people are right out of the picture.  Mom, get them to leave, please?!"

Whoo.  After this I must have been really tired (from the medicated state, most likely, thanks to the minions) because next thing you know I was out like a light.  Probably snoring too, though my new mom and dad were too polite to mention it later.

Stay tuned for episode two!