Piano recital

So just went to nieces' recital. It was in their own home. It's nice and homey, like old times when you make your own entertainment. They did fantastic then we had yummy cream puffs. Mmmm

Time to...

When one procrastinates, one simply replaces doing something productive with doing nothing.

Deep thoughts by Karen. Now if only I would just listen to my own confucius

When winds blow

When winds blow fierce
And pierce the skin
With what I guess is anger against heat
I bundle up and fumble with gloves
And I'm grateful for homes full
Of love, support, and thermostats

What do I leave after

Some days, when I'm waxing eloquent (at least in my head it sounds eloquent), I have this strong desire to leave a lasting legacy to the world. Make it a better place because I've been in it. (my life's motto BTW) and since I don't have any children for a physical manifestation of that legacy, you dear readers have to put up with my mothering platitudes. Now wash behind your ears.

237

What do you get when you go on vacation for thanksgiving and you choose to eat whatever you want in a nonconfrontational, guilt free, it is what it is and we can totally deal with the consequences, whatever they are, way, so that you're practically stuffing your face every two hours with delectables that you've been depriving yourself of for several months and having a good happy non-body-hating time with friends and family? Well, you lose a pound! That's what.

In case you wanted to know.

Grrrr

Way too easy to press the post button in this app. (which, for the readers benefit, is blogwriter lite, I think)

Okay, as I was saying. Poem

There once was a girl named Karen.
She lived in a tight cozy warren. (sp?)
Of plates she had plenty,
and cups by the twenty,
But only for bowls almost barren.

Thank you

Two hrs sleep and wide awake

So, time for something productive. A poem for the benefit of all mankind.

Dancing on the kinect

We broke one of Kimberly's vases, I am sorry to report. It's just way too much fun and gets way too out of hand...

Too much pie

Too much pie in the world this week. Not enough will power

Thankful

For lazy Sunday afternoons
For goals... And for accomplishing them
For nieces and nephews that bring smiles
For hands that create wondrous things
For taste buds to marvel
For delicate sunsets
For beautiful music that makes me cry spontaneously
For God in my life from the big changes to the tiny details

Should be asleep

iPhones are way too addictive to be allowed any time after nine

238

Thats right.

Pretty

It's a marshmallow world in the winter. I forget the rest of the lyrics. My parents own this piano book that was a compendium of Christmas songs. Some of them are never played on the radio, like the one above. Becky and I used to pull out the book on the first day snow stuck to the ground, and we'd sing and play all of them in order. Our other siblings would have gone crazy if they had not already gone out to play.

nearly there

haven't posted about weight in a while.... because I haven't been willing to face facts in writing.

While I was on my month long trip, I didn't bother watching what I ate, so, ... Well, I estimate I was somewhere around 250 at my highest, but couldn't bear to look when I first got home.  By the time I got around to it, I was at 247, about 10 or so pounds higher than when I last weighed.  Sigh.  So predictable.

But this morning I clocked in at 2:42, and on schedule to lose all the vacation weight in a month, the same time frame as I gained it.

I'm using this as a reassessment of my rewards/punishments for meeting weight goals.  Surely I can find ways to be "Happy" even without eating.  Too long I've tied the endorfins or whatever they're called to smiles.  What can I do to find bliss even with a rumbly empty tummy?  This needs more fleshing out.  Pun halfway intended!

Time on my hands

I see by the 1 near my pinkie and the 7 on my palm that it's past lunchtime.  Soup today!

I'm so happy, we do the dance of joy!!!

Best explorer of new recipes
Expects great things of herself and others (and gets them!)
Can backseat drive her sister like no one else
Kind at heart
Yearns [successfully] to be a great mother and wife

around the world and back in the groove

Been out partying for over a month.  Now that I have a cold, I've been brought back to earth and mere mortal status.

Anyone want to magically change my walnut tree into a simple shade tree that won't drop a hundred walnuts JUST AFTER I PICKED UP ALL THE ONES ON THE GROUND!!!

Ready for church

Bestest on, smiliest adorned, contritest heart worn, hearingest ears perked up, ready, set, go!

Nothing like getting up on a Saturday, clean in the morning, then have all afternoon to play

Yeah, what she said.

Early morning fruit or sleep in?

Bountiful baskets, how I've missed you so! But it is hard to wake up so early. Such a toss up.

not much to say

Things are only so-so right now.  Had a fun family reunion.  Came back to huge amounts of work.  Haven't taken the time to exercise, so I'm right back up there.  Enjoyed Harry Potter.  Finished a few crafts.  Ready to tear my hair out courtesy of the ant invasion.  Need to mow my lawn.  Again!  And Again!!  And Again!!!  Some of my first crop of carrots and beats are ready to pick.  Half good news, half bad news.  All of it leading to a so-so attitude.  I need a jump start again!  Any ideas?

Too many fireworks

Curse you, Utah, for legalizing aerials. Please tell me tonight is the last night of this five week constant booming!

Also, curse you, three-hour nap, for preventing me from sleeping now.

Oh, and curse you, bundt cakes, for ruining my resolve!

Curse you Perry the Platypus!

More cursing later.

Simple blessings

So I have been feeling slightly sorry for myself because I no longer have the jordan river parkway right outside my door. "You mean I have to drive in order to walk?! Outrageous!" But I just tried to walk past my old apartment and found the parkway covered by high flood waters on both sides of the part of the path that intersects with the apartment complex. So if I was still living there, then not only would I have to drive anyway, i might have flooding problems at home. I'm not grumbling about the drive anymore.

236, 1.67% total weight loss, 4.7% of goal!

Man, I think this blog thing is working where nothing else has for several years.  I absolutely love giving good results, more than I love eating.  And the exercising is giving me a natural high, which is also fantastic.  Life is looking good.

What to do?!

I have a horrible conundrum to report. Last night, right before I went to bed, there were clouds building in the south. I thought to myself that if it rained, I'd need to close my windows, but until then, I'd keep them open to cool off the house, since it desperately needs it while I'm on my gungho green kick and not using my AC. So I went to sleep a happy homeowner. I woke up around three when I heard this huge CCCCRRRAACCKKKKKKKKKK! BOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM! CCRAASSSSSHHHHHHH! I found out that if I'm really really really tired, I can sleep through a thunderstorm going on two feet from my ear, but that I cannot sleep through a bolt of lightning splitting my walnut tree and depositing half of it directly through my office room's roof! So I got to try to pull as much as I could out of the room to keep it from becoming soaked, and putting it away while avoiding the Other Soaked Places in my house, as a testament to open windows. Hopefully church today can calm my troubled heart. Forecast today: thunderstorms.

I pea'd (hee hee)

First peas from the garden were delish

Ahhhhhh......

Nice. Happy. Quiet. Reflective. This walk is turning into my favorite part of the day!

In other news, Happy to see that my clothes are already fitting better. Hurray!

Path reflections

Okay, so officially a full week of exercising, hurray! (Sunday's exercise is church ;) I can feel the new muscles that are becoming good and strong.

Sure interesting how much better your outlook is when you've properly exercised. The troubles with the house recede into the background. What's more important is watching the family of ducks swimming past!

Perfect night for...

Drum Corps International, Booh-Yeah!

baseball caps

I thought I'd take a break from what is turning into a weight blog, and expound on the virtues of baseball caps, which I'll be missing dearly tonight in the stadium when the sun's taking it out on my eyes.

Back in prehistoria, you know, my childhood, I didn't like caps.  They seemed so "just for boys" that I couldn't bring myself to use them.  I wasn't a tomboy.  I was the library geek, and proud of it, so I had to maintain my image!

Now don't ask me when the change occurred, (I think it was that bright bright day on 6/5/2003, at 9:17 in the morning, right after my cereal of Golden Grahams and grapefruit) but suddenly I loved them!  I couldn't get enough.  I was going up to strangers on the street and asking them, "Did you know that you can wear these things and they'll keep the sun out of your eyes?!"  I would go into grocery stores and tell the cashiers, "They prevent a lot of sunburns! Though you do still need to watch out for long hot days."  I couldn't wait to go to the bank managers and proclaim, "Sometimes you don't even need sunglasses!"   The parking lot attendants were tired of me repeating the claim, "It's even okay for ponytails, just stick it through the hole in the back!"  Don't even get me started on the glee I would exude when telling everyone in the park, "They even save you sometimes from needing to comb your hair at all!"

I've toned down since then, but I sure wish I had one tonight so I could point out to the hapless stranger who will have the seat next to me that they keep you cooler too, by a few degrees! :)

Life is happy!

You'll never guess what happened!  Somehow, in the week since I last weighed myself, I've lost 15 pounds!!!!  15! In one week!  How does that happen?  Is it safe?  Who cares?!  I'm happy!  Scratch that, I'm ecstatic, blissful, ebullient, even!  No need to investigate, just to enjoy

237, 1.25% less total weight, 3.5% to goal

Psych!  Actually, it's only been one pound, but that in and of itself is a super happy thing.  I've got such a happy positive attitude right now, even with the loss of those few extra hours of sleep this week, that nothing can pull me down.  So don't try to kill my buzz, okay, or one of these days, Alice, one of these days!

On the path

I'm exercising this morning by walking on the Jordan river parkway. More than halfway done and I'm feeling tired and good at the same time.

It was super hard to get up this morning. It was so tempting to just crawl back in bed. Even my new motivator of saying, "is that what Active Karen really wants?" almost didn't work because the answer would have been yes. The only thing that saved me was the realization that I'd only have one more hour of sleep anyway, which didn't seem worth it. I would have missed this feeling of accomplishment, what a loss! Four days of Active Karen, and counting!

Tired. For good reason

So I was reading over some posts, and realized I've been a downer lately.  My apologies to anyone who might be reading it.  I'm really trying to be positive.  I really am.  I know from experience that it is gargantuanly higher odds to lose weight when you're positive vs negative.

I've wanted to be completely open and honest, because part of my weight journey this time has to be admitting to my problems.  Which causes me to be a little depressed to have to admit to it.  But at the same time it's liberating to talk about it.

Which leads me to my next admission: I have sleep apnea.  I've known for at least 4 years now.  And I know it's weight related.  And hereditary.  My dad has it too, though he has not admitted it, even though we have all heard it over the years.  He snores loud, then stops, and it's the silence that is scary, until 5-20 seconds later, he takes a huge intake breath that wakes him up. 

This is why I know I have it too.  I snore.  Another admission, though this is common knowledge already to those in the know.  :)  Lately I've been waking up 5-10 times a night with a big breath.  For just a split second every time, I can feel how my body was trying to compensate for lack of oxygen .  Usually I'll only be conscious for about 10 seconds or less, but sometimes I can't fall back asleep.  This is doing a lot of havoc to my sleep cycle and ability to feel rested.

Here's the other admission which is even more..., well, deadly.  I have a condition, which I think is either acid reflux or something similar.  My throat sometimes burns when I wake up in the morning.  But worse than that is when I'm experiencing acid reflux in a big way at the same time as the apnea kicks in.  In the few seconds that I haven't taken a breath, the acid gets a chance to take hold of my whole throat.  I wake up gasping for breath.  My wind pipe is contracted to the tiniest little hole that I can barely suck any air in through.  While getting as much air as I can (which is not much), I am also pulling the acid down into my lungs.  It is completely horrifying to be alone in the middle of the night with no way to breathe and my throat is burning and I don't know what damage I'm doing.  Then I can forget about sleep for at least an hour or more after that.  I am thinking too hard, coughing too much, and too terrified to go to sleep and have it happen again.

It happened last night for the first time at the new house.  I probably haven't experienced it since 8 or 9 months ago.  I try not to think about it, so every time it happens is such a traumatic experience.

To make a long story short (too late!) it is one more reason that I need to wake up and pay attention.  No more putting it off.  If I lose the weight, I will at least lose the sleep apnea, and hopefully also the reflux.  One of these times it's going to be just that little extra bit worse that gives me permanent health problems, or worse.  If I have no other benefits besides losing the apnea, and the resulting good night's sleep, it will be worth it.

nothing to say

Sat here with my hands hovering over keys for 30 seconds.  If I can't think of somethin witty and fun within that time frame, I give up.  But at least I thought I'd let you know that I tried.

Simple fun in the heat

That's the motto for the Dallas trip. Did a lot of walking. Saw most of old downtown and had a good meeting with coworkers. Now back home for me. Where it's cooler. But only just.

Written on the airplane

One more place where it's abundantly clear that I'm too big. I'm sure that the guy next to me in the middle seat is spitting vitriol at me in his thoughts because I chose this flight and this seat. His body language is quite verbal. Right, as if I love to make myself and him super uncomfortable. I just adore rubbing legs with a stranger when there's no where else to go. I am blissful when my hips are too wide for the armrest to go all the way down, so when he puts his arm on it, it digs into me. I'm not experiencing utopia until my back has a crick from leaning unnaturally as far to the side as I can go and holding there so he will have some room, which he of course will use to get that said arm onto said armrest. Yes this is how I get my kicks. Only an hour and a half left to enjoy this zen state!

Sunday afternoon

At about four or five, I'm tired enough for a nap but I know that if I take a nap then, I'll never get to sleep. Proof positive tonight. Blah. Maybe I'll go read Isaiah. Or the psalms.

Testing my new app

With a blink of a skilled, tech-savvy eye, I can now update you with ease. No more signing in to a web site for me. For now I have an app! Ha! Take that, slow 3G!

So I'm freakin' out

I can't believe I posted my weight. It's eating me up inside more everyday and I'm wondering why I couldn't keep my big mouth shut! I am so ashamed! But that's the whole goal, isn't it?! The whole point was to reduce it so I would never have to see that number again, except in the sense of, "can you believe she used to weigh 240 pounds?!"

Deep breath. It's okay. You're strong enough to get through it. You can do it. Just keep telling yourself happy strong affirmations......

238, 0.83%, 2.35%

Okay, so I was going to leave it at the one post and the birthday greeting for Samuel, but I think I need to follow through on my resolution.  Today is the first day of the rest of my life.  Or so someone somewhere said once...  Though he/she didn't say it to me.  I can pretend they did.  But I digress.

I have been struggling with weight a long time.  As in too much weight. (don't even get me started on those people who have to force themselves to eat so they don't get too thin, lucky ducks!  more digression, perhaps it's stalling tactics.  Anyway.....)  I have a love hate relationship with food.  I love it, in almost all its forms, and it in turn makes me hate my body.  A nice symbiotic relationship. 

In 2000-2003 I managed to lose about 65 pounds and kept it off for 2 years. Since then, however, I have gained 85, so it's time to see the light and get better again.  I know I can do it, because I've done it before, but because I am now 10 years older (eep!) it will be harder.  So, I need your help, and you can help just by reading!  This is your lucky day! You will help, won't you?  I knew you would.  Okay, read on, dear one, read on.

I decided that one of the things that was holding me back was that I was thinking I could hide it until it got better.  Sure I look large, but since I'm 5'2", it might be deceiving and people might not know just how bad it really was.  So I'm not hiding it anymore.  I'll violate one of the most closely guarded rules of femalehood: I'll declare it openly.  Here goes....**big breath**....

As of a week ago, I weighed in at 240 pounds.  This puts me in the category of morbidly obese.  Not just in the category, but jumped in with both feet, over my head. I try to forget it, but it's time to face it head on.  I figure if I tell you what I have weighed, what I currently weigh, and my goals, then it serves several purposes.  1) I can't hide it anymore, 2) I can in some ways be shamed into changing that weight, but in a good way, 3) You can give me encouragement (though this doesn't need to come with actual words, just good thoughts while reading my journey with me, and 4) I will be more determined to keep each pound in the past, and not let it ever come back again, because who wants to report bad results?!

I am down 2 pounds from a week ago.  Hurray!  I am ready for it to be more.  I am ready to be accountable for what I put in my body and how I work it to make it stronger.

The ideal body weight for someone my height and frame is somewhere between 120 and 140 pounds.  So I have two, well okay three, goal weights, 1) to get back to 155, which I shall call my realistic goal since I've done it before, and 2) to be under 140, which I shall call my ideal goal, and 3) to be 120, meaning I'd have lost half my weight, which I shall call my unrealistic but distantly possible goal.  It would be fun to think of myself as losing half my weight, or in other words lose an entire person (the "fat" me, if you want to think of it in self esteem language), or in other words become half the woman I used to be, ha ha!  I will only focus on the realistic goal to show my progress.  My header line when talking about my weight will be my current weight, the percentage of total weight loss (pounds lost divided by 240), and the percentage to my goal (pounds lost divided by 85 total pounds to lose).  If I keep these numbers public, I can't hide behind anonymity.  I will have to do something about it.  People will ask, so I will want results to show them.  I CAN DO THIS!!  I think I'll go have a carrot. :)

Happy Birthday Samuel!!

To my handsome nephew who is too cool for words!

My monthly pity post

So, to give all you starving fans a post, I can oblige.  Still no internet at home, and it's not looking to be soon (boo!) so quick minute at work to say this month has been crazy and cool.  A new house to work on, learning the intricacies of watering/mowing lawns, Lowe's to visit more often than I have ever done in my life, finished three quilts, watched a bazillion movies, rode my bike once, got fatter (more on that later), and a brother married to a very nice girl, over a long weekend that involved 11 house guests, 2 receptions, a baby blessing, at least 17 hours of driving, and 3 trips to the airport.

New house, new problems

It's difficult to find ways to post when you don't have Internet at home, but you're not interested in that, surely. Suffice it to say that I will try but it may still be sparse for a while. I do have enough time to give love to my peeps, though, as seen below.

To my other first reader, an ode

Now and forever my favorite cousin that's two months younger than me.
Anti-mean
Totally devoted to her beautiful children and husband
Always there for her friends
Likes to smile. A lot.
Inclined to see the bright side of life.
Entertains with panache.

Story of my life, episode one

I was born on a cold and dismal morning.  The first thing I saw was some weird guy with a mask on.  I thought to myself, "weird.  I don't like you.  I think I'll cry."  And so I did, lusty and clear.  For some reason that made the rest of the people in the room smile.  "Hello?!  I'm unhappy here.  Your job is to tend to my every need.  i'm cold, I don't like that person, and now I don't like this other person who is rubbing me down all over, and I'm doing this weird thing in my chest, feeling something going in and out whether I like it or not and who said I was up for this stuff anyway?  I was perfectly fine in there.  Can't I go back?"  Apparently they aren't listening to a word I'm saying. 

"I want my lawyer! I'll sue the pants off every one of you!"  Then, horrors, they take my feet (at least I think that's what they're called, never paid much attention before to them) and stick them on this black stuff, then on a piece of paper that leaves a copy of the bottom of my foot and I realize they're trying to get my prints so they can steal my identity!!!  "What is it with you people?!  Where is your honor?"  If I could have gotten my fists to work, I woulda popped 'em a good one.  They must have anticipated that and given me some kinda inhibitor drug.  "When this wears off, oh, you just wait!"

Don't forget I'm still naked as of this point, in a room full of people!  No decency left in these depraved souls.  What is the world coming to? And as if that wasn't enough to do to me, they put me on a scale!!  And read the weight to the whole room!  And someone wrote it down!!  "People!  Don't you realize you don't do that to a woman?!  How insensitive!"

I hesitate to tell you the next depravity.  It's almost too horrible to put in black and white, a permanent scar on my memory.  But it must be told.  They.  Took.  A.  Thermometer.  And.  Stuck.  It.  Up.  My. Nether-regions!  Words fail me.  I was so speechless that I just stared at them all for the devils they were.

At least after that they stuck me in a blanket.  That's the least they could have done.  The very least.  I coulda used some underwear.  A nice sundress.  Anything.  It was warmer though, and I was starting to think that maybe they weren't all bad.  Perhaps they were all indentured servants, forced to do the masked man's bidding throughout eternity.  I could cut them some small slack.  However, I was still considering holding a grudge, depending on what they did next.

Well, let me tell you EXACTLY what they did next.  They picked me up bodily (without a by-your-leave!) and plunked me down on top of this other lady!  I promptly said to her, "Excuse me, but you know it's all their fault.  If they hadn't drugged me, I'd get right off you but if you don't mind, I'll stay here for a little while longer since it's nice in your arms and they don't seem ready to do anything else to me just yet, and hey you have nice eyes and... what's that you say?  Well, hello to you too.  You sound kinda familiar, do I know you?  What?  You're my mom?  Wow, now that I think about it, I always wanted a mom!  Nice to meet you!  I want to ask you so many things, but um, did you see that guy leaning over and getting into our conversation?  If you can, tell him to go away so we can talk more in private.  He's what?  He's my dad?  Well, never thought about it, but I guess a dad could be a good thing to have.  He can teach me all kinds of things, like how to make a joke, get a job, avoid the bad boys, and so much more.  Yeah, all right, he can stay too.  But the rest of these people are right out of the picture.  Mom, get them to leave, please?!"

Whoo.  After this I must have been really tired (from the medicated state, most likely, thanks to the minions) because next thing you know I was out like a light.  Probably snoring too, though my new mom and dad were too polite to mention it later.

Stay tuned for episode two!

Setting aside some time

Planning a lot more time to do some blogging soon.  Lots happening, and life might slow down again in a little while.

What happened this morning when I woke up

Hit my head on the bunk bed, and wondered were I was...
Shaved my legs and ate some eggs, tried to lose the buzz
from my headache then on to bake something because
I had a desire to see some fire, yes that's what I does. :)

Dedicated to my first reader (that I know of)

Really cool
Awesome in every way
Can jump to your aid
Has fantastic skills
Everyone wants to be near her
Loves all she sees!

Love,
Me

ever wonder?

Ever wonder if anyone reads your blog?  I don't.